Monthly Archives: March 2012

surrounded by heaven but living in hell

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The most beautiful place on earth

Close your eyes for a moment. Now visualize a white sandy beach and the bluest water and sky you could imagine…. a cloudless sky, the sun high in the sky and warming the ground, a gorgeous breeze blowing by your hair or your clothes, the most beautiful beach you could imagine being on…. look off of the shore, do you see the military ship? Behind you and all around you… the fences, walls, the open air prison.

I’m not even going to pretend to understand the feeling that those living in Gaza have to deal with every single day. I’ve been really stressed out lately because every time I hear a loud noise I flinch, thinking that it’s a gun shot… I saw a shooting star a few nights ago and literally ducked… the first thought in my head was, “Oh god, I wonder what it hit… I hope they were able to get out okay.” I mistook a shooting star (seriously one of my favorite things in the world) for a missile. I shake, my chest gets tight, it becomes hard to breathe… typical signs of anxiety, but from what?

From watching footage of Israel’s Operation Cast Lead. I’m traumatized from watching video, in my home, in my comfortable bed on my computer. Ya Allah… If I am this affected… what about the kids? I’m an adult, in the USA, whose biggest worry is whether I’m going to start my day with a single or a double shot of espresso. What about the little girls and boys whose bodies are maimed? Who have lost their parents, siblings, communities?

What about them? What do we do for them? How can we help them? I sit every day and think and come up with solutions and I always end up being disappointed.  I’m only one person, what am I capable of? I don’t know… but I do have an idea of what I would like to do and the next days and weeks will be filled with research to figure out if it is even possible.

Until then…. I can hear the birds already waking up… I need to sleep!

Besitos amores.

Alhamdulilah wa salat wa salam a3la nabiyna Muhammed wa a3la ahli wa sa7bihi saleeman katheera.

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update

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I haven’t blogged in over a month, and for that… I’m sorry.

Have you ever had a case of writer’s block…

That you can’t kick no matter how hard you try?

That’s me right now. It’s driving me insane. I have literally sat down at my computer every night since my last post telling myself, tonight I’ll write… and the minutes tick away to hours… and suddenly I find myself watching Boardwalk Empire and disappearing into the dvr time warp.

I need to write, and to release all of this toxicity that I’ve been holding inside with the things that have come up for me to deal with lately, but the words are all a jumble in my head.

What I need is some mint lemonade, a bright and shiny sun, to be sitting out and feeling the breeze in Palestine. I need a taste of home, I’m starting to miss it too much and it’s taking over my thoughts.

I can’t even begin to imagine how my father feels, not having been able to come home for 30 years because he was working to support us. Seriously, he and my mom are the most incredible human beings that I have ever met.

My brain is on the verge of meltdown after getting about 90 min of sleep last night and working through today but I do have my notebook out and I’m jotting stuff down that I need to get out of me…. being publicly attacked for one… and seeing that it was me… on my own, with no one to come to my aid. I’m realizing that even though I joke about being descendent of lions and honey badgers, and super fierce… I may actually come off as not needing someone to have my back…. either that, or people are just that dang racist in the area where I live.

So this is what I’m going to do:

I promise a post every single day.

Even if it’s just a picture.

Because I can’t let my mind get this full again.

Besitos amores.

Alhamdulilah wa salat wa salam 3ala khatim il anbiya rasool allah wa a3la ahlihi wa sa7bihi salman katheera.